Have you ever?

I bet you've never ridden a catfish, my granddad has :-)

Working Hard

Despite being on vacation from work, I have definately replaced that with many other things. I've done debate, walked to the post office, read a book outside in the rain, done more debate, cleaned, set up my bookshelf, did more debate, went to yesterday's books with two awesome friends, watched some of Betty Dali's shows from the early 80's, did some more debate, and ate sometimes, and read more, and more debate, and more thinking, and more nothingness, and more and more and more nothingness.

I am so tired of not being able to live the way I want to, but I know that will never completely change. My world lacks peace. I want to live more fully and I can't, my world is frustrated by the human desires that plague me. I want to sell everything. I want to be a hermit, I want to live in the country I want to sing to children I want to hold my own children I want so much that it seams like it will never be and my life seams like it will never begin, and yet it has begun and I have missed the first three chapters and they will never be recovered. I am not content to live a complacent life, yet I know no other and it frustrates me.

Close my eyes and hold my heart, cover me and make me something. Change this something normal into something beautiful. Give me reason to believe you'd never leave me incomplete. Do you see it one my face, that all I can think about is how long, I've been waiting to feel you move me? ~ Jars of Clay-Something Beautiful

Timeless Memories

I drove down an old street the other day... I'd never driven on it before, because I was always in the back seat. My dad let me give him directions once, even though he knew how to get there, and he ended up turning into someones driveway when I said "turn now" instead of waiting until after the house :-P The road is the same, but it is yet different. Another stop sign that was never there. Orchards. Gone. There are houses on every side, and the river has been closed off. I was going to someones house, but I drove further to the end of the road. My grandads house and land has been replaced by a subdivision of hoity toities. The trees, the house, the shed. The table in the living room. The rubix cube. The drive way and patio. The chickens at the house next door. They've been removed from everything except for memories. There is still a house at the end of the road. It stands crowded on the sides by double stacked houses with no yard.

I cried.

Change.




Everything is changing.

I love Books!

Yeah, so basically I want a bookshelf for christmas (which I am pretty sure we are going to get) and then I am going to go down to barnes and nobles and fill it with books from the Collector's Library Series :-D So I have to convince my mom of this, but I really want to do it! The books are 5.95 each which isn't that expensive but I would be getting a lot of them so that might end up being expensive... but that's ok, their books! (and I think I have a barnes and nobles gift card laying around here somewhere too, and maybe Joy will pitch in and I will let her use them ::hint hint::)

Are we yet ungrateful?

There are so many things that my life could continue without. To name them all would take far to long, but I must say I am privileged be posting this on my sister's computer(because mine isn't home right now) I have become to accustomed to life. To familiar with comfort. And I long for one thing more. Do these wants ever end?

In Sunday School today Lamar talked about how disconnected our youth group has become. I wonder why that happened, was it through the leadership, or the people themselves, or could it be societies fault? (note the sarcasm) It breaks me to see the way that people are treated within the body of Christ. Are we so unwilling to make ourselves uncomfortable that we degrade anyone who is different? We strike out at our brothers and sisters to the point that simply ignoring them would be less painful. We are truly ungrateful. If we did not have freedom to live in christ without fear of persecution would you openly mock your fellow Christians? And yet that is what we do. Day in and day out we persecute ourselves. We do not need any government to tear us apart, we can do that ourselves.
Why must you blind yourselves to what you are doing? As you are confronted with these you laugh and talk about irrelevant events. Do you even listen to the words that are flowing out of aching hearts? Is it your ears or your hearts that are closed?

And we are yet young... why do we persecute?

Let it Rain

I just got back from shopping with my dad, like twenty minutes ago. It was fun :-) I find it very amusing to watch all of those people waiting in lines, trying to be the first one there to get just the right thing. We went at 6 and bought some tools and sweaters and just had a good time. And it's raining too.

It's Thanksgiving :-)

Thanksgiving has rolled around once again. I think that thanksgiving should be on a different day every year, and is announced like a week in advance or something like that, so that people would have to be thankful all of the time, just in case thanksgiving was only a couple days away. Anyway, that's my randomness for the day :-)

So, I have been going through my photostream on flickr and I can't believe the picture I used to take, just a couple months ago. I have improved so much it's not even funny... some of them are pretty bad. Anyway, all that's to say that I did some cleaning and deleted like 300 pictures, so now I have 874 pictures instead of 1200 or so. Still working on some more cleaning... but also just took a bunch more pictures, will it never end? :-P (yeah, I am definately downloading another 158 pictures from my camera right now to be sorted)

In other camera news, I got out Ken's photography stuff that we got when he died (that I didn't know we had)... it's amazing! So, now I have a telephoto lense and a macro lense and a ton of filters and film camera, and a bunch of cool stuff. ::is very excited:: I really wish I could fit the telephoto and macro lenses to my camera, but I don't think they will fix onto the adapter that I need. So, it's going to be added on my wish list anyway because it will let me use the filters at least.

Since we are on the topic of photography anyway, take a look at this great picture of Kaitlin.

Attention!

I would like to announce a very important piece of information that has just been uncovered while discussing the issue with my dear friend Jim: I can fly. For you see we were talking (emailing) about how penguins can't fly, but then it was realized that in fact they can. For they are the most beautiful and graceful swimmers and indeed do fly under water. Though I myself am not as graceful as a penguin when in the water, and I definitely wouldn't be if I was swimming in water of the temperatures that they do, I indeed can fly. Consequently I must now remove "learn to fly" from the things I need to do that is on my side bar. I must also remove "find time to read" for though I have not yet found time to read I have read the most lovely of books. If thou hast not yet journeyed to read the tale "Cry, the Beloved Country" thine eyes would be blessed to read it. Finally I must also remove the statement "practice gymnastics" for I have been doing that constantly in the most recent past.


This is a Narrative that I wrote after being uncesseful in turning my other "narrative" into an actual narrative. If you believe that you must indeed proceed to allow your brain to transfigured this typing into words within your mind, please continue.


(November 10, 2005)


Step.

The leaves are churning through the streets following my footsteps. They dart in front of and behind me continually, losing themselves in their play, and yet staying close as if for them separation from me feet would be to lose a glimpse of life beyond their own comprehension. Continual dashes of orange, yellow, brown and red are moving through the streets. Some ride the wind patiently and effortless moving through, and some rush among every person, pole, and car slowly passing through the streets looking for a place to rest as their final days come to a close. Through the alleys and on the grass they are thrown by the wind. They have companions in the trees still clinging as tightly as they can to the life giving branches that they have known for their entire existence. The grasp that holds them there is unwilling to let go of their homes. They will cling to life until they have no strength in them to stay any longer on the slowly chilling branches of protection. The evergreens begin their long farewell to their neighbors as the last of the trees begin to give up their leaves. They resolve themselves to wait patiently for the spring to bring new life to their balding friends. They bid them adieu.

Step.

The swiftly blowing wind curls around each corner blowing the ever-moving hair into my eyes. Through these strands I see the gentle sway of each blade of grass dancing in its place of honor next to the ash trees own bend and sway. They mix their songs: large, muscular, and slow; small, bending, and fleeting. The long branches are being pulled to the sky as they whisper and chatter to each other ignoring the steady rhythm of the wind moving their branches. The wind glances across the strings that play in the trees creating the music of elves. And the grass, it looks up at this great monument in amazement, while this great monument looks down at the swiftly dancing grass and sees itÂ’s marvelous beauty.

Step.

The flowers that still cling to life are mixed in with beauty of the leaves creating the mysterious fragrance that twists and turns in the same rhythm of the tranquil sky. They accentuate each other in the endless cycle of life and death. Beauty beheld in both the life that has already fallen from itÂ’s source of living, and the life that is still connected to the bushes that bring forth itÂ’s life. The upturned hands are waiting in expectation of the drops of life that will mean their time to fall has come.

Step.

The expanse above me lightens the earth through the clouded lens of it grey skies. The churning of white and grey mass colliding against itself, ceaselessly moving it is ever changing the tones and shades of the sky. The darkness and light continually battle each other for steady footing of which neither grasp a hold of. The extensive pallet of colors created by this violent battle is beyond any earthly artists abilities. The life that is moving swiftly through the air is played out in its colors. The clouds drive themselves through, content simply to be moving.

Step.

Step.

Step.

Gymnastics Stuff

Things are changing, I don't like change. For pretty much forever, well not forever, but for about 2 years now I guess, I have worked every single class that Devan offers... and I won't be anymore. Devan really needed me to help with a cheerleading class, but my mom won't let me add an extra hour, which means I have to drop an hour... which just so happens to be the thursday 5:30 class that has just about all of my (older) favorite students in it. This has made me rather sad. Fortunately I can still say hi to them before class starts, but it just isn't the same.

In other news: my first ever gymnastics competition is sneeking up on me. I have 4 more weeks before the competition!!! Ack! Yeah, basically I almost have the floor routine down, but I need a lot of work on everything else. I am thinking about trying to do a private lesson or something like that in order to get everything down. Hopefully it all turns out ok. The competition is on 17th of December, so if anyone wants to come they can, as far as I know. And you can see me make a fool out of myself :-P Oh well, I love it anyway! I need a new leotard to which is good because I will have to buy one for the competition.

Soon I shall be off to go do a birthday party :-)

English Assignment

October 27, 2005

Times are changing. Those who once loved what we stand for are passing away. Ideas, Thought, Being. They fall away into memory and exist no more. The calling to be alive falls upon closed ears. We are dieing. Those intricately woven threads that so closely bind us together are being cut, one by one.

There is something about being close to someone that is looked down upon. The idea gets pushed aside as yet another manifestation of our flawed outlook on life. Yet there can be no other viewpoint for me. They have their own judgment, based upon the logical military precision of the articulating minds that bind them to an unexperienced life. Life cannot be expressed in any sort of progression if it is to remain life, so we reject their articulation. There are words that appear to show what the world is to us, but even these meaningless attempts at a connection through language fall, cruelly struck down, before them.

We attempt to continue living, not yielding to the authority of the ruling class of our time. I long to be free from this oppression. I have grown weary. These tears that move of their own accord keep coming. They bash themselves upon shattered rocks that are invisible to everyone but ourselves. They refuse to comprehend how we can cry at the loss of life in their eyes. They refuse to recognize what life is, and what is required of them to be alive. Maybe someday they will try to understand, but today they hide behind their granite walls and pretend that love doesn’t exist.

Today they changed their language. They decided to train themselves to articulate in German, because our names don’t translate. They want to forget what we stand for, but language cannot be un-learned. As we walk through the streets of their city they whisper in their new found language “They are outcasts.” They cannot forget what we are. Our names reverberate in their minds, refusing to let them fully leave this world. They reside in the world, but do not understand those who exist with them. They refuse to understand what it is that allows us to exist. They chose not to learn the word for love.

We are warriors. We fight as long as there is breathe left in us. We are alive. Sie können nicht vergessen. Maybe someday I will learn to understand German. Someday it will rain freedom.

It's Been A While

This is really wierd, so, I never posted this often on my xanga and I don't know why I am posting so often now. Wierd. Anyway, the Trunk or Treat thing that our church did was on Sunday night and it turned out really to be great. We had almost 30 cars (double what we had last year) and a bunch of the neighborhood families came and I dressed up as a Jedi (pictures coming soon) It was a lot of fun. I love little kids. I really do, but halloween really anoise me. Personally I don't have anything against kids going trick or treating, or making jack 'o' lanterns because it's not evil, even if halloween started out that way (for the most part) it isn't anymore. But: it is amazing to me to watch the people who come to my door on halloween. Some of them are accompanied by their parents who are there to make sure they are safe. They stand at the gate, sometimes in costume, sometimes not, and tell their kids to say thank you... And then there are the parents who come to the door with their infants and small children in hand who you know are to young to eat any of the candy, in fact they are to young to even say trick or treat. They don't always say thank you. Just a random observation. Yeah, I get pretty frustrated over it when I don't need to.

The Debate tournament is closing in on us, and Chris and I are officially in. (this whole late confirmation thing was making me nervous, though I guess it really isn't that late) I am stressing out. If we hit a team that is putting caps on non-economic damages, changing the Feres Doctrine, Eliminating the NVICP, or creating Health Courts, I will be fine... Other than that, I have nothing. I feel so incredibly unprepared!!! It's only the first tournament of the year though. I have been working so hard on debate recently and I really want it to pay off. We took Monday off because it is halloween and Devan's son's birthday, so I did debate. All. Day. Long. From like 7-8 and no, that isn't one hour, that's 13 hours (though I did have a couple breaks in between) and then another couple hours yesterday, and I am going over to Chris' house to work on affirmative this morning. I love Debate :-D So hopefully all of that work will pay off.

Time to Just Be

We finished learning our floor routine today. I get so confused, if it was all gymnastics I would be fine, but it isn't, it's dancing too. But we did bars, so that more than makes up for it :-)

And:

A wonderful time of fellowship, and not being in the center of attention. The Hildebrands came up from Cardiff by the Sea to visit with the the Ashramites (mostly the storers) so the Hildebrands, Dolly, Betty, and the Kerrs made their way over to the Storers house, and we had dinner and hung out. I wish I knew how to listen better, I spend so much of my time talking when I could be listening. I listened a lot tonight ::is very happy:: I love those people!

It's A Beautiful Day!

It is such a beautiful day! I am cold, which is just so awesome. It's 57 degrees outside. I am on my trampoline doing debate. It rained. There are grey skies. The grass is alive. The planes fly overhead. Leaves are turning colours. It is a beautiful day!

A Haiku for Joy
Clorox disinfects
The screemy jeemys will die
At Joy's fatefull hand

Capturing Life

I love photography! I can't get enough of it. I love my camera :-) I really want to be an amazing photographer someday, that would be awesome. Not like a professional or anything like that, but just to have the ability to capture life in a photograph. As part of my photography class today, I did a portrait "session" with my mom. It was so much fun! Here is where the benefits of a digital camera are so cool, I took 93 pictures and didn't have to pay for any of those in film, and if I did, there is no way I would have taken that many pictures. So, if you want to see the results (which vary from good to funny) Go check them out!

Random Musings: Sometimes the Sunday school answers that we are pretty much taught to ignore, and look "deeper" are really all that we need. I work with the kids on Sunday Mornings and I have found that those kids with their "Sunday school answers" seam to have a more intimate grasp of how amazing God is, and the power that he holds than many of the older kids and adults that I know. All of those things that we learn in Sunday School that we forgot and trade in for our grand theology we were taught for a reason. Simply depending upon God. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. We need to start things off with God and, rely on Him and He will get you through everything... He will.

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary , they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:30-31

the inadequacy of the spoken language

"A picture is worth 1,000 words"

"Silence speaks louder than words"

Language is so inadequate to describe life, to describe thought. Maybe I just haven't spent enough time in my thesaurus recently. But really, how do you communicate something that doesn't have a word to describe it? Even if you were to make up your own word for it, you must describe it with other words if anyone else is to understand it. You could choose to attempt communication by approximating words and describing it through things that it is (but isn't) like. You could say all of the things that it isn't, but that would take years. Or you could decide not to try explaining it at all. That way there could be no misunderstandings as to what your thoughts and experiences really are. So, I guess the real question here is would it be better that way? Is it better to understand someone else's thoughts incorrectly, or incompletely, or to not know them at all?

Running Low/Flying High

Well, I ran out of gasoline today... It was a very sad thing, for you must understand that this means my gas gauge isn't really working, and I thought it was. It works generally, but unless somehow I burned an entire gallon of gas driving from Carver to Standiford, then my gauge isn't doing very well. And this is a new one! We just replaced it, because the other one didn't work at all. Oh well, I guess it isn't the most important thing in life (though it was kinda fun pulling off to the side of the freeway, and now I know where the emergency flashers are located in my car)

We are working on our routines in gymanstics ::is very excited:: So, I really don't like all of the dance stuff (dance, not Ballet) But putting the routine together is fun. Honestly I don't care how well you can hold your poses, or what your scales and pirouettes look like. I want to see you do gymnastics! I wish that we could make our own routines, that would be so awesome! Mine wouldn't have much dance-ness to it, more transition-ness. I enjoy gymnastics immensly.

It's here!

The debate year has finally started for me. I am researching more than just an hour or two a week, and practice rounds are starting to become standard I think :-) This will be the third week in a row that we have had a round (I think). And today we are going to have two rounds. This is exiting. I like debate! We are going to debate Stephanie and Kirby affirmative and negative. Hopefully both rounds go well. I don't even know half of the stuff about our affirmative, but that's ok, maybe after the round I will know more. That's kinda the point of the round anyway being as we don't have enough time for a full round. More to get some stuff out there and some practice then to have the most perfect round ever... Which believe me, it won't be. I think that I should say this one more time... I love debate!

Decisions

I really don't like decisions all that much, and am definitely not a very decisive person... But I need to decide. I get so confused sometimes, and then there are times when I know exactly what I should do, but I really don't want to do it, or as in this case am just flat out scared to, so I say: "I am indecisive". In reality I am just hiding behind those words, and they are rather easy to hide behind.

In other news, school is insane! I am having a hard time keeping up with everything, which is mostly caused by me not wanting to do it. I simply am not motivated to do anything except for gymnastics right now. I feel like a gymnast. I don't think I have really consistently ever felt like that before. You see, there are people who do gymnastics, and then there are gymnasts. I believe that I now fall into the later category, which is quite fun! I love gymnastics ::grins::. However, my school is suffering at this lack of motivation. Biology, Math, even to some extent photography (though not nearly as much, because I love photography). Debate... Well, it needs a category of its own. Unfortunately it is last on the priority list, though not of my own choosing. I have to get school done now so that I can work on debate during qualifiers, that's just how it is. Though I must point out that I have done debate every Friday for the last couple of weeks (that means only debate, no school) so I guess I make up for the lack of debate during the week on Friday. We just started "creative writing" today in English 311, which was very fun, so I am excited about that. Hopefully I can get back on top of things...

I'm going to stop procrastinating! I'm off to go do some school :-)

(I started using Firefox)

There is no point

I am a flower quickly fading.
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean.
A vapor in the wind.

Everything is meaningless.

Who are we?

A good friend told me today that I love what is not of man (though not in those exact words). It is very true. I love the mountains, the sky, the earth beneath my feet, the beach, water (in any form) rain, snow, hail, lake, ocean, puddle, the sun, the colors that stretch across the sky, the reflection of the moon, mud, creation. I love creation. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't living in this time, that I lived in a different time... a time without all of this technology. To be able to see the sky without having to climb atop a roof. I know that there are advantages and disadvantages to basically every time period, and we have it pretty good in the United States right now, but I can't help but wonder. Everything is so romanticized, but so is our world today.

I wonder at our world. Who are we to inflict pain on other people? Who are we to abandon those who most need to be loved? Who are we to decide who needs to be loved? Who are we? I don't understand why how people can be so cruel. It is beyond my comprehension. You can try to explain it away through psychology or tell me so many things, but I can't believe it. There is no way to explain it away. I can not understand. I refuse to understand.

Ancient China.

Debating Again

Well, I finally feel like I am part of debate again. It's taken me a long time, but as of this morning I do. I have evidence on more than one case, and this will be my second round today. I'll get my case (that I don't know much about) Piranha packed later today, and then I will know stuff about it, because I will have to. We will help everyone get their cases ready for Santa Clara, and hopefully find time for another round: affirmative. That word is so scary. I have only read over the affirmative stuff once or twice. Heck, I know more about immunization than I do about my own affirmative case! But that is soon to change, because I am now ready to debate.

New (Old) Shoes

I bought a new pair of debate shoes yesterday. The shoes that lasted me for the first four years of my debate career have finally given the job over to a new pair. Different people buy different shoes for different reasons, but I really don't like buying shoes. New shoes are... well, new. They feel funny. Joy also got a new pair of shoes yesterday, so I get her old ones! I have had my Tennis Shoes for a couple years, and Joy had them for a while before that. I really really like them, but Joy insists that they have served their duty and that I should take her old ones. (more like just can't believe they don't really have a sole) Besides, they are Nike, we are against Nike.

New shoes are like a lot of new things. They don't really belong to you, they aren't yours. Yeah, sure you have paid the money to buy a pair of shoes (or whatever it is that you bought) but how can they be yours if they are still just like every other pair in the shoe store? They don't have you in them. You probably will never find another pair of shoes that are exactly like mine, because there is not another pair of shoes that have been through the same things mine have. I love my shoes... and I don't want to see them go.