A Fresh Christmas

Things have been a little rocky recently. It seems like one thing after another. Fortunately school is almost done for everyone in our house which will make things a bit more pleasant and I must say its nice to be able to choose what I'm doing for Christmas. I set up the tree at mom and dad's on Sunday and then brought all of my ornaments home (except for my box person, he'll come home after Christmas). We decided not to really do presents for our house. I bought myself something I would have normally asked my family to get me for Christmas and didn't have to feel guilty about it. And I won't have to wait until I open it on Christmas to use it... although I have to wait anyway because Lamar's Xbox is still in the hospital. We have a nice tree with lots of nutcrackers, gingerbreads, and ballerinas. And I can just sit here and relax on the couch. One more final, three more days of work, and a house (my own) in desperate need of some cleaning. I'm pretty happy right now.

It's been a while

This is the first time that I have been really able to sit down and feel like I don't have a massive list of things that still need to be done (not that I don't have a page long list, but they can wait). This summer has been a long and busy time. I haven't really stopped "doing" since mid June: Summer gymnastics schedule, Ashram, Big Bear, school, and moving, among others. I guess you could say it has been a hard summer (and when I say summer I refer to June-September). I love the summer schedule for gymnastics all day the first part of the week and then super long weekends... which I managed to fill with preparing for the rest of my summer. Ashram as always was incredibly rewarding... but also frustrating to struggle with being in leadership and trying to make things work out in such a short time frame and being disappointing that some people I really wanted there couldn't be there for the week. Big Bear was hard... I love the ministry that we do there and I love the kids but it was the most frustrating summer yet. Maybe the nature of my job and the relationships just finally caught up with me but I understand why people say they'll never do staff again at other camps and I never thought I'd feel that way about Big Bear. I know I took on more responsibility than my job called for (a bad habit of mine) but the negativity and all of things that fell through the cracks just took their toll. The day after we got back from Big Bear I started into school with 6 units to complete in 4 weeks in order to keep my scholarship... a success at the price of isolating myself for the majority of those 4 weeks just to keep up on homework. And now I have bought and moved into a new house. There have been a lot of things that have needed to be done: unpacking, cleaning, moving stuff from my parents house, more cleaning, more unpacking... and still a lot to be done.

I don't say any of this for sympathy or to say that my summer was horrible, it wasn't horrible, just hard. I say this because I don't know how else to explain what "now" is like. As much as this summer was hard, now is the opposite. Yes, there are still things to be done (though they are getting fewer), but since I got back after camp I have wanted to be home, not so that I could have a break and not do things, but to be with people. A lot of my hobbies have fallen by the wayside. I've let go of all of my old computer games (though I've picked up a new facebook one), I spend less than an hour on the computer a day (school included), I find myself cycling less often, I don't make late night runs to Winco for candy, the lack of "things to go do" in Modesto isn't a problem, and I don't tense up the minute I walk in the door. No more late night depression, no more necessity for movement and activity, and no more cleverly disguised avoidance techniques.

Looking back at this summer now, I can see that really it was just a continuation of what I'd been living. It really isn't that the summer was different than during that year, it was that it was the same. Summers for me have generally let me get away from everything. I literally cried every year I left the Ashram until I was 18. I cried when I came home from Junior High and High School camp, partially because I was leaving, but also because I was going home. This summer there was no getting away.

But I don't have to worry about that anymore.

I am happy here.

While I am still trying to get a handle on school, sleep, and all of that, I am enjoying life. I have felt peaceful more often in the midst of the chaos of the last three weeks than I have felt in a long time. I enjoy sitting at the table or on the couch, eating meals together, and all of the rest. I enjoy life.

So True, Ain't It?

1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die

I've done it. I've gotten in over my head. I've bought the book by Peter Boxall and am determined not only to finish all of the books that aren't on this list that I want to read (Such as 51 more Jules Verne books to go!) but read all of these as well!

Simplicity

I'm trying to start off my "new" life on the right foot. When I say "new" what I mean is that I am buying a house and will be moving into it soon. When I say "the right foot" I mean a more simplistic and purposeful life. So I figured maybe I'd share some of my thoughts and cool webpages with you.

Tonights Activities (decided upon and done!)
Clean out my RSS feed
Clean out my email subscriptions
Do nothing more purposefully
Read a book

http://zenhabits.net/2007/06/how-to-drop-an-rss-feed-like-a-bad-habit/
http://zenhabits.net/2007/03/the-art-of-doing-nothing/

Taking life one day at a time

A friend of mine commented the other day that I don't like or write poetry anymore. I've never really liked reading poetry but I used to write some. Maybe some of the reason I don't write poetry is because I have a visual memory, sometimes even photographic. Using words to try to describe or convey something that is so real seems unnecessary. I don't need to write something when five years from now I will remember just as well as if it had just happened. Sometimes I go back and read what I have written and I can even remember the lines that I had decided wouldn't work. Granted there are also some that I've written that for the life of me I can't even remember what they were about. Time is a funny thing. People say that it makes things heal, fade. I think that really we just lose some of the things that remind us. We stop frequenting the same places, friends and acquaintances move, our hobbies change. Maybe if I didn't have these archives in my brain things would be different. Some albums are larger than others but I remember things like I'm looking at them right now. Each new event, new joy, new tragedy is filed away for future reference. And they will always be there. Until I grow old and the filing system begins to fade. Time really is a funny thing.