This is the first time that I have been really able to sit down and feel like I don't have a massive list of things that still need to be done (not that I don't have a page long list, but they can wait). This summer has been a long and busy time. I haven't really stopped "doing" since mid June: Summer gymnastics schedule, Ashram, Big Bear, school, and moving, among others. I guess you could say it has been a hard summer (and when I say summer I refer to June-September). I love the summer schedule for gymnastics all day the first part of the week and then super long weekends... which I managed to fill with preparing for the rest of my summer. Ashram as always was incredibly rewarding... but also frustrating to struggle with being in leadership and trying to make things work out in such a short time frame and being disappointing that some people I really wanted there couldn't be there for the week. Big Bear was hard... I love the ministry that we do there and I love the kids but it was the most frustrating summer yet. Maybe the nature of my job and the relationships just finally caught up with me but I understand why people say they'll never do staff again at other camps and I never thought I'd feel that way about Big Bear. I know I took on more responsibility than my job called for (a bad habit of mine) but the negativity and all of things that fell through the cracks just took their toll. The day after we got back from Big Bear I started into school with 6 units to complete in 4 weeks in order to keep my scholarship... a success at the price of isolating myself for the majority of those 4 weeks just to keep up on homework. And now I have bought and moved into a new house. There have been a lot of things that have needed to be done: unpacking, cleaning, moving stuff from my parents house, more cleaning, more unpacking... and still a lot to be done.
I don't say any of this for sympathy or to say that my summer was horrible, it wasn't horrible, just hard. I say this because I don't know how else to explain what "now" is like. As much as this summer was hard, now is the opposite. Yes, there are still things to be done (though they are getting fewer), but since I got back after camp I have wanted to be home, not so that I could have a break and not do things, but to be with people. A lot of my hobbies have fallen by the wayside. I've let go of all of my old computer games (though I've picked up a new facebook one), I spend less than an hour on the computer a day (school included), I find myself cycling less often, I don't make late night runs to Winco for candy, the lack of "things to go do" in Modesto isn't a problem, and I don't tense up the minute I walk in the door. No more late night depression, no more necessity for movement and activity, and no more cleverly disguised avoidance techniques.
Looking back at this summer now, I can see that really it was just a continuation of what I'd been living. It really isn't that the summer was different than during that year, it was that it was the same. Summers for me have generally let me get away from everything. I literally cried every year I left the Ashram until I was 18. I cried when I came home from Junior High and High School camp, partially because I was leaving, but also because I was going home. This summer there was no getting away.
But I don't have to worry about that anymore.
I am happy here.
While I am still trying to get a handle on school, sleep, and all of that, I am enjoying life. I have felt peaceful more often in the midst of the chaos of the last three weeks than I have felt in a long time. I enjoy sitting at the table or on the couch, eating meals together, and all of the rest. I enjoy life.
