Lost... so very lost

There are days, of which many have happened recently, that I just feel as though I should not exist.

That I do not deserve the privilege of life.

There are so many things that I have done... so many friends that I have lost... or hurt so badly. Sometimes I don't dare to battle for one more day because I know it will bring more pain, not to me, but to the world. I live a life of regrets, and I have battled so hard to let go, and to move on. It just doesn't seem meant to be, sometimes I almost let go, but... I'm always reminded.

Bus Driver~Caedmon's Call
What would you say if I told you that I won't be by today?
Would you say that I'm just a bus driver
and what do I know,
just a bus driver
and what do I know,
just a bus driver
and what do I know?
...
And I wonder how this world would be
if I was never here to drive this bus around from Ashbury to Main.
Suppose this town would be the same
but with one bus' less exhaust.

A Present

I am so very excited... I am getting an airsoft gun! Apparently grampa had a gun that I don't think he ever used, and so my dad has claimed it for me. He won't be back from Yuma until thursday, and I couldn't remember exactly what number he said it was, so I couldn't go look it up, but it's a Smith & Wesson hand gun with fps of 290 I think. I am pretty darn excited about this!

To War!

Well, this has been a good day :-) A good gymnastics practice and then a hecka sweet time over in the Hoftiezers orchard. We had the coolest Airsoft war... well, I guess I shouldn't say that, it's the first and only airsoft war that I have ever been in, but it was really fun! Getting shot didn't hurt as bad as I expected it would either, which was a plus. (If you want to check out some pictures, here they are.)

O Beautiful Day

Sometimes I wish that I could just live apart from my life. To soar through the air in quiet dreams. To be something, someone different than who I am, just to see what it would be like. To be defined by something else. I don't know what, but something. But then I would always have to come back to me, because really I like it so much, of course there are things about me that I don't like, but on the whole I do like me. But I want to fly.

I am awake and the world is beautiful. I am alive. I wish that I had the self discipline to go to bed earlier, so that I could see beautiful morning colours every day... but I really don't. There are too many other things to waste my life away on.

Todays Random Thoughts

"It's not large, it's cute and small... like my butt." ~ Mom

I have 1100 pictures on flickr :-D